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Why I’m Tired Of Men Splitting The Bill In The Name Of Feminism

· Opinion

tinder date

“Shall we split it?” he asked, the second the waitress placed the bill on the table.

I said yes and lifted my handbag off the arm of my chair. Before I’d even had chance to find my purse, my date uttered the words that I silently prayed would not emerge from his beautiful lips.

“Feminism, innit,” he said. His smile was beaming from ear to ear and he looked as proud as an 8-year-old who’d just come first in an egg and spoon race. “Men and women are equal now, so we may as well go halves.”

“Oh? You’re a feminist then?” I asked, trying to suppress the unique blend of disappointment and hopelessness that was bubbling up inside me.

He nodded.

Plucking my debit card out of my purse, I asked what else he does to further gender equality. I didn’t want to spark an argument after such an enjoyable date, so I tried to frame the question in a teasing and playful way.

“I mean, I think all guys have to do is just not be a dickhead, right?” he replied. “It’s pretty simple.”

“Hmm. I think there’s more to it than that, but it’s a start,” I said. “What do you think about the gender pay gap?”

“Are you sure that’s still a thing?” he replied, leaning towards me and smirking with a patronising grin. “I’m pretty sure there are laws in place that make it illegal to pay men and women differently.”

I tried to explain that the gender pay gap and equal pay are different concepts and that the former is a systemic problem that can’t simply be fixed by forcing employers to pay men and women the exact same salary for the exact same job. All the interest and enthusiasm drained from my date’s face and he looked as though he would rather be in a jail cell than sat opposite me in La Tasca.

“So let me get this straight…” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood without letting him off the hook. “The only thing you do for feminism is something that leaves women worse off financially?”

He rolled his eyes before looking over his shoulder and beckoning for the waitress to bring the card reader over.

This wasn’t the first time that I’ve been on a date with a guy whose feminist activism starts and ends with splitting the bill on a date, and judging by these tweets, I’m not the only one who’s tired of this shit.

Now, let me be clear: whether we split the bill right down the middle or vaguely work out who ate what, I don’t mind digging my purse out on a date. Although the gender pay gap is very real, it would be wrong of me to assume that every guy I date is financially better off than I am. However, what I have a problem with is a man disguising his frugality as ‘feminism’ when he does absolutely fuck all to help women.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he thinks the gender pay gap is a myth.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he thinks women who take time away from their jobs to raise children deserve to be penalised financially on their return to the workplace.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he thinks women who kick up a fuss about workplace sexual harassment are oversensitive life-ruiners.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he wouldn’t dream of calling out a male colleague who makes sexist comments towards women.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he stays silent when women are harassed online.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he “doesn’t see dirt” and will let his girlfriend clean up after him day after day.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but when a famous man is accused of rape by multiple women, he’ll say “innocent until proven guilty”.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he thinks a lot of women lie about rape and sexual assault for fame and attention.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he’s overly concerned about being accused of sexual harassment or assault because “one tweet could destroy a career.”

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but he thinks Donald Trump’s “grab her by the pussy” comment is an acceptable thing to say behind closed doors.

He’ll split the bill in the name of feminism but if another man is powerful, successful or talented enough, he’ll let him get away with anything and will continue to support him in his future career endeavours.

 

Look, if you’re a man who dates women and you want to split the bill, fine. But don’t pretend it’s some kind of modern male-feminist gesture when in reality, all you’re looking to do is save yourself £20 in the cheapest tapas restaurant in town.

The reason ‘let’s split the bill cos feminism’ bothers me so much is that nine times out of ten, men will take a back seat in the fight for gender equality and act as though it’s women’s responsibility to fix problems that more often than not are caused by men. Yes, women need to get better at asking for a pay rise but as Emma Roberts pointed out in The Big Television Debate with Gabrielle Union, Gina Rodriquez, and Ellen Pompeo, when women ask for more, there’s sometimes a risk another woman will just be hired for less.

She said: “I’ve taken less money knowing I’m taking less money than a male co-star because they’re telling me this is as much as we’re going to give you, your male co-star is getting more, but if you don’t take this deal, another girl will take it.”

And yes, we need to apply for careers in male dominated industries (if that’s what we want to do), but with women often facing sexism, harassment, and discrimination in these very industries, is it any wonder so many women are reluctant to take the leap? Shattering the glass ceiling is great n’all, but there are only so many cuts you’re able to tolerate before you retreat to remove the shards of glass from your fists.

It’s a fact that on average, women earn less than men and we’re disproportionately penalised for taking time off work to care for our children. A lot of men will say that’s a choice, but are the children not theirs too? Why don’t they take time off to raise them? Oh yeah, it’s partly because they’re more likely to be paid more than their girlfriend or wife and so it makes more financial sense for the woman’s career to take a hit. The fact that women are disproportionately seen as the carers also plays a part. This isn’t just unfair on women, it’s unfair on fathers who genuinely would love to be stay-at-home dads too.

Childcare is notoriously expensive and since the cost of childcare is often seen as something that comes from the mother’s salary rather than from both parents’ salaries, many families see no point in the mother working when a huge chunk of her wage is being spent on the nanny or nursery. It’s as if future earning potential and the self-fulfilment that many women get from their careers is thrown out the window. Saying that, in some cases, there is no other option but to have one parent give up work.

Bridget Casey writes and tweets extensively about the financial impact that motherhood can have on women. She calls it the ‘motherhood tax’.

She writes: “The “Motherhood Tax” or the “Motherhood Penalty” is used to describe the financial penalty women experience for having children. It encompasses everything from being passed over for a job to being perceived as less competent in the workplace. For women, having a child is singlehandedly the largest financial risk they can take in their lifetime.”

As Bridget later explains, even if women don’t have children, they still pay the price one way or another. She adds: “In the workplace, even the perception that you might someday go on maternity leave makes you less likely to be promoted or paid fairly. As a woman, you may never want kids, but you’ll end up paying part of the motherhood tax anyway because people do not respect, believe, or understand your choice.”

One advantage of being a woman is that we’re more likely to live longer than men, but it comes with a catch - we need more money for retirement. This is a particularly hard pill to swallow when we consider just how difficult women can find it to build their pension pots as a result of lower income than their male counterparts teamed with the aforementioned ‘career break’ to raise children and the lack of financial advice directed at women.

This issue is being dubbed the ‘pension gap’ with research from Fidelity International suggesting that women currently in their 20s and 30s are likely to have 11% less money saved by the time they retire than men in the same age bracket.

The unpaid labour doesn’t end at child-raising, because statistically speaking, women are far more likely than men to spend their spare time doing domestic chores such as cooking and cleaning. Yes, it’s true that some women do find enjoyment in these tasks, but for the rest of us who would much rather be pursuing our passions than picking up after our partners, it’s frustrating that such a huge portion of our spare time is spent on what I like to call house hygiene.

It’s easy for men to overlook these issues when they don’t have to live them. It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see the subtle little micro-aggressions that can make navigating the workplace, nurturing your finances and building the life you want for yourself an ongoing obstacle course.

Desmond Tutu famously said: “If you are neutral in systems of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor,” and this is certainly true for far too many men. They think that splitting the bill and not being a dickhead is sufficient, but it’s not. Not sexually harassing your colleagues is the bare fucking minimum and honestly, splitting the bill isn’t making the women you date any fucking richer.

I mean, if you genuinely believe gender inequality exists and you’re doing well financially, the least you could do is pick up the fucking bill, Timothy.

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