Hi Jenni
I’m in such a mess. I started seeing my boss in September last year. I’m single but he’s stuck in an unhappy marriage with a woman who sounds like a complete nightmare.
In November he promoted me and I was so happy to finally be in my dream job. I had the freedom to do what I wanted and got a £15,000 pay rise.
I didn’t start this thing to get a promotion. I genuinely fell for him the moment I met him. I loved and cared about him and he said he felt the same way. But after a few months I started to feel really guilty about it all and broke it off.
I was scared his wife would find out and so I ended it in March. He didn’t take it very well and since then he’s been making life so difficult for me. He’s started treating me like his secretary and keeps giving me the worst jobs to do. If I leave on time rather than staying late, he says he made a mistake promoting me because I’m not committed. If he does something wrong, he blames it on me and makes me look stupid in front of everyone.
I don’t know if our colleagues know about us but a couple of my friends have noticed that he’s suddenly started treating me differently. I’m sick of it and I don’t know what to do. I really want to keep my job because it’s honestly the best one I’ve ever had. I just wish he’d accept that this thing between us is over and stop treating me like dirt.
Chloe, 23, London.
Oh, Chloe. You’ve certainly gotten yourself into a predicament. Although things may be difficult now, try not to get too upset because I honestly think this is something you’ll look back on in a few years time and although you’ll have regrets, you’ll have learnt a number of valuable lessons from it and you’ll never get involved in something so messy again.
Having an affair with a married man is unlikely to be one of your finest moments, but I’m pleased you’ve now shook some sense into yourself and broken it off.
The way he’s responded to you ending the affair says a lot about him and nothing about you, so consider yourself lucky that you’re not the one married to this guy. If this is how he treats you, imagine how he treats his wife. You need to run away… fast!
I’m going to give you three things to do:
1 . Start looking for a new job now.
You say that your current job is your dream job but is it really? Perhaps it was your dream job a few months ago when you were boning your boss and he was making your life wonderful and letting you get away with whatever you liked at work, but now the affair is over and he’s making your life a misery, it’s not your dream job anymore, is it? Your dream job should make you happy. Right now, your job sounds like hell. As long as you’re working for this guy, things are not going to get any better for you.
Start looking for a new job, Chloe. I promise you can do better. You may have to accept a position with less responsibility and freedom and you may have to take a pay cut, but it will be worth it. You’re still young and assuming you work hard over the next few years, you can climb your way back up.
You’ve not said what industry you work in, but try to make the most of your remaining time at your current company. Make sure you’re living up to your job title and actually doing the work. That way, if you leap into a similar role elsewhere, you won’t be completely out of your depth.
Getting a reference from your boss may be tricky, but probably not impossible. After all, the last thing your boss wants is for you to go snitching to his wife. As tempting as it may be to make some threats, be the bigger person here. I feel sorry for his wife and I’d love for her to find someone better (she’s probably not as bad as he’s made her out to be), but the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away from this thing without causing any more destruction.
When you find a new job, treat the scenario just like you would if you were handing your notice to a boss you hadn’t shagged. If he refuses to give you a reference, calmly explain that you think it would be best for everyone involved if you went your separate ways and started afresh. Offer to give extra notice, providing your new employer is okay with it.
If you really can’t get a reference from him, turn to other employees for help. Get them to leave you glowing LinkedIn recommendations.
While some employers will insist on getting a reference from your boss, others will overlook it providing you tick all their other boxes.
2. Build your Fuck Off Fund
Do you have a Fuck Off Fund? Having an empowering cash stash can enable people to quit jobs that make them miserable without necessarily having to find another one first. If you don’t already have a Fuck Off Fund, now is the time to start panic-saving one. Considering you recently got a £15,000 pay rise, this shouldn’t be too difficult. Well, assuming you didn’t immediately succumb to lifestyle inflation the moment your income increased.
If your boss is really making you miserable, slash all unnecessary spending from your budget and only spend money on the essentials. The sooner you save a healthy Fuck Off Fund, the sooner you can do exactly what it says on the tin… fuck the fuck off!
3. Do some soul searching
This one isn’t money-related but I think it’s equally important. It’s time for you to do some soul searching to try and figure out why you got involved in this affair in the first place. I’d definitely recommend giving @theslumflower a follow on Twitter and checking out Natalie Lue’s website Baggage Reclaim. Hopefully these women will help you avoid getting involved in such messy relationships going forward.
You made a mistake and it’s come back to haunt you, but chalk this whole thing down to experience, learn from it, and move on. It’s time for a fresh start!
